9 Lessons Learned From My Darkest Days (You Can Use to Heal): Part 1
The feeling of dread doesn’t come close to describing it.
Maybe you’ve felt this too — a gnawing unease that doesn’t let go, no matter what you try.
Late nights watching endless rubbish because I didn’t want to go to bed. Paralyzed. A stricken feeling.
I felt hopeless and lost. Maybe you relate?
Worse was listening to night-time talk radio in bed. Insomnia, racing thoughts, a misfit in a hostile world. I believed it was true.
Plagued with self-doubt.
The radio talk shows were like a dampener over the pain, stifling it a little.
Perhaps realising many listeners shared my insomnia. Who else is calling the station at 3am? Every night.
Insomnia. Maybe loneliness too.
Mornings would come like an unwelcome visitor.
Waking up with that sinking feeling.
In that half-awake state, murky thoughts would weave in and out like gremlins — suicidal ideation felt like a twisted comfort blanket.
Thoughts about sinking to the bottom of the river felt somehow reassuring. I could go for a swim and just let go.
Nobody would know. They’d think it was an accident.
Dark thoughts.
So much pain and despair — it feels like no way out.
“Does anyone else understand? Can anyone get this? Does anyone even care?”
If you’re rolling your eyes thinking this is another post promising answers, I can assure you, I’ve been there — reading, trying, and still feeling lost. Stuck.
And what I’m sharing isn’t theory; it’s hard-won lessons from two decades of darkness.
Feeling hopeless and helpless.
This was me in my 20s. Dog days of depression.
Haunting me on and off for 20 years.
What caused all of this? These questions always lacked answers.
But here’s what I’ve learned: while there’s no magic bullet, change is possible.
I share insights and tools proven to help shift out of the darkness — and they can help you too.
I would never have believed change was possible.
I thought I was broken, couldn’t be fixed and something was wrong with me. And it was — it’s just not what I thought it was.
I was either looking in the wrong place, or I was falling into traps of distraction, avoidance and repression.
Our attempts to alleviate pain are often misguided.
There was no magic bullet or sudden insight that shifted everything at once. It was the cumulative effect of many applications and attitudinal shifts that I learned over time.
The good news is you don’t need to wait as long as me.
Take one or two of these to heart and change will come, as surely as night follows day.
1. Every Bad Day You’ve Faced, You’ve Overcome
It sucks and you want it to end but the truth is you have made it through 100% of your toughest days; this one is no different.
This Too Shall Pass ~ unknown
It’s the last thing you want to hear when you’re in the trenches.
You want it to be different, like, NOW.
But life is nothing but change. Everything changes constantly for everyone (one of three basic tenets in Buddhism).
Think about your own life…
Consider a time, in your childhood or adolescence, when something bad happened, or you were in a difficult situation.
It felt crushing.
What was it?
Yet, here you are now.
I don’t deny the hurt you’ve been through. Yet it’s all gone. Yes, the memories remain, and may still be raw.
Whatever your current circumstances, that you feel are insurmountable, they will change too.
This lesson is not about taking action, but an acknowledgement: as long as you keep going, no matter how terrible, tragic or upsetting you think it is, you’re in the game.
The game represents life’s journey, and the game will always change.
Circumstances, friends, jobs, and relationships won’t stay the same. It’s okay. Life is like that.
Are you feeling lost, hopeless and overwhelmed?
⭐ Write this in your journal:
“All is well, everything is working out for my highest good. And out of this experience only good will come and I am safe.” ~ Louise Hay
This affirmation brings great relief to me.
Say it like a mantra, out loud or in your head, over and over as a soothing balm.
For small things say it a few times. For big things, say it hundreds of times.
Thoughts shape your perception, which leads us to…
2. It’s Not As Bad As You THINK It Is
Your Inner Dialogue Shapes Your Reality.
How you speak to yourself will build you up or tear you down.
How do you change the way you think?
You may think you’re not in the headspace to do that.
The first step is awareness.
It’s a radical act to shift the narrative.
Noticing the thoughts as just thoughts — not right, wrong, good, bad or any other label — allows you to detach yourself from them.
You don’t have to believe them.
They are convincing because they carry a lot of momentum.
But they are not the truth of who you are.
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
The problem is we get stuck in thought loops.
Catastrophising, dramatizing, making sh*t up that’s not even real. Imagined worse-case scenarios.
Because you think about it in one way, so often, you believe it is true.
⭐The 2-For-1 Exercise
A powerful and playful game to reframe and rewire your negative thinking.
Don’t underestimate its effect due to its simplicity. Repeated application reaps rewards.
To break the momentum, every time you notice a harmful, hurtful, critical thought, substitute it for two of the opposite.
Question those negative thoughts too.
“You’re a no good, useless piece of sh*t” was one of mine.
Response: “Oh yeah? Says who? And who are you to say that? I’m not accepting that anymore. F**k off!”
“I am powerful. I am amazing”.
Make sure you feel the affirmations as you say them.
Feeling is the secret ~ Neville Goddard
I say “Feeling is believing”. So, what of negative feelings?
3. Don’t Buy Into Negative Feelings
How you feel consistently becomes your mood. Your overall state of being.
And your mood influences your perception.
If you are down in the dumps, you won’t perceive any goodness, love or generosity around you.
Further, this state will give you more of the same experiences.
Your emotions cloud your perception and you will see the past coloured by the lens of your mood, and speculate on the future similarly.
Your emotions and thoughts are intimately intertwined.
“Change your energy, change your life” ~ Dr Joe Dispenza
Joe Dispenza asserts your ability to change how you feel (your emotional state) determines the course of your future life.
Les Brown echoes this:
“You don’t get what you want in life. You get who you are!”
What does this mean?
Life doesn’t respond to what you wish for or hope to have.
It reflects the type of person you are — your thoughts, emotions, habits, and actions.
If you want love but you’re always feeling unworthy or closed off, you might unintentionally push love away.
If you want success but are stuck in self-doubt, you might miss opportunities.
The energy you put out (your mindset, beliefs, and emotional state) shapes the reality you experience.
To change what you get in life, you need to shift who you are — your inner state of being.
How You Feel Makes It Seem Real
When you conclude your life is a mess and your future is hopeless it seems true, but it’s not the truth.
The truth is your energy is low, your state is negative and what you see corresponds to this.
We all experience those days when everything aligns perfectly…
The sun shines (metaphorically), you feel great, people smile at you, you find the ideal parking spot, the traffic lights are green, good news comes your way, and the world feels like a magical place.
Is the world amazing or terrible?
Can it be both?
Who or what determines that?
You do.
E-motions are Energy in Motion.
Depression, joy, sadness, anger, excitement, bitterness, or peace are all forms of energy.
Those energies change your perception, experiences, and actions.
You cannot feel compassion for someone whilst angry.
You cannot want to harm someone whilst feeling at peace.
Likewise, if you’re happy or unhappy, you will attract corresponding situations that reflect this.
Feeling “joie de vivre” makes you more likely to attract opportunities, invitations, and chance encounters that reflect your zest for life.
For example, you might meet someone who invites you to a concert with VIP tickets to see a rockstar you love.
If you are down and pissed off with your boss, you are more likely to be overlooked for promotion.
No one “out there” is doing this to you. It reflects your inner state.
Emotional states become habituated.
The good news is you can consciously change how you feel by changing your beliefs, thoughts and actions.
When you change your energy, experiences will be kinder to you, you will see life more clearly and respond more effectively.
I was once told: “Life is a game of energy. Master your energy and you master life”.
Simple Hacks to Raise Your Energy
- Power Poses — expansive body positions like standing with your hands on your hips and feet spread wide (Superman pose). Promoted by former Harvard Professor Amy Cuddy after studying its impact.
- Smile (even a forced smile) as you look in the mirror for 5 minutes.
You may feel, stupid, embarrassed, ashamed or even hate yourself. All kinds of emotions may come up. Let them, allow them, don’t try to change them. Just keep smiling. If you find it hard, start with 1 minute.
‘Mirror work’ was coined by Louise Hay.
You cannot but help to change how you feel. - Try deep breathing exercises. In this article, I share 7 techniques—including one the Navy SEALs use—to calm stress and improve sleep.
- Play your favourite uplifting songs and move your body to music that invigorates you — it’s about joy, not perfect dance moves!
- Sit outside for five minutes to feel the sun or fresh air.
⭐ If these feel too much, pick one and try it for a few minutes each day. Small steps are still progress.
Commit to this for a while — long enough to feel good — and you’ll notice a shift.
4. Phone a Friend (Don’t Bottle It Up)
This one may be hard for you.
You feel vulnerable.
It’s important to choose someone you trust, who isn’t judging you and isn’t trying to “fix” you or “make you better.”
You will feel better when sharing with a trusted friend or family member.
Sharing your struggles doesn’t make you weak or selfish — it makes you human. You may even deepen your bond with the person you confide in.
Most people will help if they can.
The act of voicing your troubles, knowing a compassionate ear is listening can help in itself.
Something unexplained can occur and you feel lighter, like a burden has been lifted or at least your load lightened a little.
Start Small
⭐ You don’t need to spill everything all at once. A simple, ‘I’ve been struggling, and I’d like to talk,’ is enough to begin.
⭐ Search for helplines or online support groups.
⭐ Therapy is effective because you are acknowledged and listened to, not just for the advice.
That’s powerful.
5. Far from the Madding Crowd
Everyone thinks they know what’s best for you. Especially family and friends.
I’m not suggesting you don’t heed advice. Although, however well meaning, it may not be right for you.
You know what’s best for you, even if you think you don’t.
Your mind may be clouded. You feel agitated. Maybe you feel uncertain.
This is okay.
Can you sit with feeling a little lost, a little discombobulated? No one has it all figured out.
Listening to Your Inner Voice (Your Internal Compass)
Inside you is a little “voice”, maybe you can’t hear it clearly.
It’s prompting you. To take or not take action. It’s a feeling with various names: Inner guidance, intuition, gut feeling. You instintively know your next steps.
It’s a world away from what society is saying you ‘should’ be doing.
ℹ️ The inner voice feels calm and grounded, while the Ego tends to be ‘shouty’, demanding and insistent.
Listening to inner guidance can lead to unexpected yet fulfilling outcomes, big or small.
There are countless stories such as Arnold Schwarzenegger growing up in war-torn Austria in the 50s and 60s.
He couldn’t speak English yet he had a dream, first to become Mr Universe and compete in England, then to travel to America to become a box office movie star.
A kid from the backwaters of Austria, who couldn’t speak English, had a funny name and a funny accent, an A-list Hollywood star? It’s astounding.
What’s more astounding is he had a dream and he followed it.
Nobody will understand YOUR dream.
Whether it’s leaving a high-paying job to start a cake shop, switching careers, or pursuing art despite others’ doubts, these choices often align with your inner truth.
The Courage to Be Different: Embrace Your Unique Path
You Are Born To Create
Parents who think they know best, the education system and cultural pressures often drum this natural creativity out of us.
We’ve bought into collective fears of society, to play it safe and fit in. Don’t dream big. Stay in line. Follow the crowd.
This crushes the spirit and can cause illness.
Heed your inner prompts.
Move towards those callings.
What is on the other side?
That’s the mystery, the adventure. You won’t find it by playing it safe and staying with the known, the familiar.
I don’t advise burning all your bridges and taking that leap of faith all in one go. (Although it can be powerful it can also massively destabilising).
⭐ But what’s one thing you’ve been holding back on starting or doing?
ℹ️ It’s not about finding your purpose, it’s about following your passion.
Perhaps it’s asking that hot girl/guy out on a date, travelling alone to a country you’ve never been to or taking the time to write that book you’ve been putting off for 10 years.
Next, we explore reasons you don’t take positive action.
6. Stuck in the Known: Why You Resist Growth
Chronic depression, or any other enduring “negative” emotion, can become so familiar it becomes like an old friend.
We like the known, the familiar. It feels safe because we’re used to it.
Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, the pain you carry is like an old friend visiting town, the familiarity paradoxically disguising itself as a source of safety
The mind swiftly rejects anything jeopardising this ‘friendship’.
This unhealthy friendship is like an addiction to something you don’t even want or like.
When Pain Becomes Your Discomfort Blanket
When my mood was black, I shunned socialising and new experiences. Yet, when I went out, I enjoyed myself.
The idea of enjoying myself and having fun didn’t seem possible…
To the habituated mind.
It tries to hold on to old friendships (pain) rather than create new ones (joy).
Because the new positive ones are too unfamiliar, they don’t feel right. They don’t feel like ‘you’.
Your mind might trick you into staying stuck, but those limitations aren’t your truth — they’re the Wolf in disguise.
Self-sabotaging your innate goodness.
It takes courage to change this pattern. To act, think and feel like a new person.
To reject the Wolf.
Even if you feel lost or stuck, you’re not broken — there’s a way forward.
Over time, the wrong ‘friends’ — negative emotions — may have settled in, but you can make some new ones.
I know it sounds crazy, but first you must decide to be happy and healthy.
Even when you’re not feeling it.
It may seem impossible (my previous mental state was so heavy, I wouldn’t have believed this either).
⭐ Deciding to be happy and healthy starts by cutting ties with the past and committing to a new direction. It’s a radical act.
An act of defiance — when you decide to reject the old programs running you. Changing the thoughts, beliefs and emotions into new ones.
It’s this act which will turn your wheels in a new direction.
7. Get Moving
Occasionally you need to be physical.
When nothing works, break sweat.
Movement’s good for the body and improves your mood.
Even a 10-minute brisk walk can help you feel lighter, more capable, and less stuck.
Exercise is often a vital component in healing.
It doesn’t matter what you do to get the blood flowing.
Running, walking, HIIT, swimming, yoga, tai chi, weights, martial arts, climbing.
Just move!
Too tired to exercise?
Start with just 5 minutes. The energy you get back will surprise you.
Don’t knock the humble walk. I walk every day and hike most months.
The trick to walking is to step it up at a brisk pace for 15–20 minutes. You can walk longer, but make sure you push yourself for those 15–20.
We were born to move. When babies aren’t sleeping they’re crawling. Toddlers never stop. Children like to run.
The sedentary working life of many today needs to be countered with an energising activity you enjoy.
You can’t argue the kids prevent it — I see many mums and dads with jogging strollers every day.
Exercise is vitalising and helps lift your mood.
I began with light jogging, building up from 1km to 5km. I also attended yoga classes twice a week.
This helped to boost my moods and shift my perspectives.
Beginner Friendly Suggestions
⭐ Start with short walks even 5 minutes. Or use stairs to ascend and descend at least twice.
⭐ Use headphones with your favourite uplifting tunes, try binaural beats or search for “uplifting 432HZ frequency”.
⭐ It helps to buddy up with someone.
And if you’re wondering where to start, there’s one setting that amplifies the benefits of movement and brings peace to your soul and we explore next.
8. This Free, Simple ‘Therapy’ Could Transform Your Life
How often to you take a walk in the countryside?
I live in London, and I’m sure many people don’t realise it only takes 45 minutes to an hour by train or car to get into the heart of the countryside.
Walking through old woodlands and meadows has a calming and rejuvenating effect.
The Healing Power of Nature
It’s healthy for body and mind and a low-cost pursuit as well.
(My wife and I hiking in the countryside).
Spending time in nature can have a positive effect on health and well-being, with studies showing links between time spent in forests and lower levels of stress. Source: Office for National Statistics
The benefits extend to mild to moderate depression and anxiety, according to Dom Higgins of The Wildlife Trusts.
One study found that people who spend an average of two hours or more per week in nature over a year are more likely to report being in good, or very good, health.
Surprisingly, even watching nature documentaries is good for our mental health. Source: Mental Health Foundation
⭐ Why not schedule some time this week to explore nature? Visiting farms with the kids counts too. Search for clubs and events in your area.
Even if you can’t access the countryside easily, local parks and green spaces offer similar benefits.
9. Why Giving Up Is the Surest Way to Stay Stuck
Cliches are cliches for a reason. They’re true!
“Rome wasn’t built in a day” or “The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step” both point to the same thing.
Persistence is key.
Keep knocking on the door and eventually it will open. If it doesn’t, try another door!!!
You may think you’re not getting anywhere and it’s all futile. That’s okay.
It’s not about perfection.
You can have a bad day, a bad few days — I’ve had many.
We gain strength from overcoming challenges. Each setback makes you more resilient.
Falling isn’t failure — it’s part of the climb.
As long as you determine to pick yourself up and try again, you will come out of the black hole you’re in.
I had days when I didn’t get out of bed, didn’t shower or wash.
Yet here I am — in a different house, different town, different everything.
From rock bottom, I worked, travelled, married and did 101 things in-between.
It’s not the same me. I changed and everything else followed. If I can do it, so can you.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to change your life, but consider this your permission slip to take the reins, make mistakes and to begin again.
Strategies for Perseverance
When the goal feels far off, focus on just the next step. Minor victories pave the way to big transformations.
⭐ Take One Tiny Step
On hard days, ask yourself, What’s one small thing I can do right now? It could be as simple as drinking a glass of water, opening the window for fresh air, or sitting up in bed.
Pick a simple action — whether it’s having a shower, taking a short walk, or writing one sentence in your journal. Consider that sufficient for today.
⭐ Be kind to yourself
On days when you feel stuck, remind yourself that it’s okay to be not okay.
Rest if you need to, and try again tomorrow. Compassion for yourself is the foundation of progress.
Treat yourself like you would a close friend. Replace harsh thoughts with gentle encouragement, even if it’s just saying, “I’m doing my best, and that’s good enough.”
ℹ️ Remember: Progress Is Not Linear
Healing and growth aren’t a straight path. Expect trials, and don’t judge yourself for the setbacks. Trust that even slow progress is still progress.
Small Steps, Big Changes
Now it’s time to take the lessons you’ve read here and put them into practice.
Start small.
Choose one lesson — reaching out to a friend, stepping outside for fresh air, or following your heart’s desire — and commit to it today.
Change doesn’t come all at once, but with each small step, you’ll feel the weight lifting.
Imagine waking up one day with clarity and strength, no longer burdened by the darkness.
You’ll look back and see every action brought you closer to this brighter version of yourself.
Change is well within your reach. And the best part? It starts with the choices you make today.
Want to go deeper? In [Part 2], I share six more lessons including stepping out of stagnation, harnessing the power of gratitude, and surrounding yourself with people who uplift and support your growth.
Your journey is yours alone, and no one else can take these steps for you. But you have the power to heal, one moment at a time.
A Simple Step to Shift Your Mindset
Change takes time, but one simple, powerful practice can help you start rewiring your brain for positivity today: gratitude.
If you’re ready to bring more light into your daily life, sign up for “7 Days: Start Your Gratitude Journey Today.”
It’s a free, simple challenge where, for one week, you’ll receive three guided prompts each day to help you cultivate a gratitude practice that feels natural and effortless.
Start today → [Sign up here].
